Para kay Mahal

 

Hi Mahal. It has been a really tough battle, ‘no? I know we won’t be able to meet again kaya this will be my letter for closure for the both of us. It’s just so ironic na we were just making fun of the letter I wrote for Ken when we broke up and now I’m writing one for you. 

We have to admit na miscommunication has always been the thorn sa relationship natin. We really wanted to try and nakita ko yun from the both of us. Pero it had become so draining na kahit hindi naman same at same yung pinag-aawayn natin palagi pero there is always a disconnect between the both of us. Nahirapan tayo to really know the manner of how we talk sa chat siguro. Neither of us really wanted to argue pero I don’t know kung bakit sa mga away natin, palaging nagmumukhang nag aamok tayo sa isa’t isa. Times na we were together were always priceless pero pagdating sa chats, parang sobrang dali mag fall apart ng lahat na parang palaging may ticking time bomb before tayo mag-away ulit. And I am sorry kasi siguro kinulang ako ng much more effort na talagangmas maintindihan yung mga nuances mo. The way you talk, the manner you communicate, siguro talagang nagkulang ako na kabisaduhin kung papaano kita mas maiintindihan. Pero I really wanted to. So much so na I always find myself being extremely careful sa mga gagawin to the point na again, I felt like I always walk on eggshells. Tama ka naman sa part na sinabi mong yung mga bagay na nasabi ko was because nakimkim ko na siya na unconsciously ko na palang ginagawa, hindi ko namalayan na sobrang nag build up na lahat ng pagiging careful ko ng sobra na kada pipitik ka naiinis ako sa iyo at sa sarili ko na kulang nanaman ako sa tantsa or mali nanaman ako nang intindi o mali nanaman ako ng nasabi despite giving so much effort in being careful. 

During the kast argument, I really felt hopeless na parang ang tumatakbo nalang sa isip ko, “mali nanaman ako.” And nakakapagod na palagi kong nafeel sa atin yun, na mali nanaman ako. Siguro nga it really was not a joke when I said palagi naman akong mali, kasi writing this letter I am realizing na that’s how I always felt. Pero hindi dahil sa mali mo, but a fault on my end na hindi siguro ako nagkakaron ng sapat na effort to really observe you. Kung saan ka pipitik, kung saan ka magagalit, kung saan ka maiinis and all. Palagi siyang naging ganon na silently, at the back of my head, I’m begging you to please make me feel that being imperfect in the relationship we had was fine. Na sana maparamdam mo sakin na I don’t have to be cautious, na okay lang na magkamali ako kasi kahit ganon, mag away man, you will be the first one to understand. Pangit man siguro pakinggan pero ganon na nga siguro. I was draining myself to get your approval na I felt so broken when you did not talk to me for 2 days kasi finally, you had enough of me.

Pero nasaktan din ako. Reading the words na yung boyfriend ko, yung taong mahal na mahal ako, takot na saakin kasi wala akong control because of all those pent up emotions. Masakit yung kahit gaano kita ka gustong kausapin, pero I’m bombarded ng paulit ulit na hindi mo ako kaya at ayaw mo akong kausapin dahil sa pumitik ako. 

Sorry if sumabog ako with all the pent up disappointment and anger that were never really for you but for myself. Sorry kung nafeel mo na kulang ako sa pag-iintindi. Sorry kasi hindi pa ata talaga ako ganon ka matured sa relasyon tulad ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Sorry kung hindi kita masamahan sa mga bagay na gusto mong gawin, sa mga kainan na gusto mong kainan, sa lugar na gusto mo puntahan because I am so limited. I really wanted to do everything you wanted to do, I want to share moments with you na ginagawa natin yung mga bagay na yung gusto MO naman and hindi lang tayo magsesettle sa kung ano yung kaya ko. Pero now you can find someone later on that won’t hinder you from doing the things you really look forward to experience. Pasensya ka na kung hindi kita nagawang mahalin sa paraan na gusto mong maramdaman yung pagmamahal ko. 

During the past six months, sobrang napasaya mo ako. Mula nung nag uumpisa tayo hanggang sa huli, pinaramdam mo saakin na I am worthy of love. Pinakita mo saakin how a man can really show his love sa taong mahal niya. Despite the busy days, pinakita mo saakin kung ano yung pakiramdam na gagawin at gagawin ng taong mahal ka yung kailangan mo to feel loves and longed for. I am so happy and thankful kasi you made me experience things and places na I never thought I can do and go to. I was hoping to see more cities with you pero I guess I will have to settle with all the memories we left in El Nido. Hahaha I guess I wont be able walk in Makati the same way I did before I met you. That place will always be my Cornelia Street. Iiwas na rin ako sa lahat ng buffalo wings hahaha. 

This is so lengthy na so just promise me na you will be okay after this. Hopefully with your time in Siargao, you will be able to take a big leap in being okay. Meet with people, even settle there kung kaya mo na talaga kahit during your trip biglang maisip mo na dun ka na, go ka na hahaha. Wag ka masyadong magpagod sa mga work mo. Tangina alagaan mo sarili mo haha. Alam kong magastos ka pero sana makahanap ka na ng one sustaining job na ifufulfill na lahat ng needs and wants mo para hindi ka na sobrang ma stress at mapagod. Please continue with your law school kasi I know you can do it. Sobrang superman mo. Alam ko naman na alam m na pero kayang kaya mo yun, you can even graduate at the top of the batch kasi ganoon ka kagaling. I will surely check the results of the bar exams moving forward and I will always hope to see you sa listahan pero alam ko naman na di na ako mahihirapan kung sakali kasi you’ll be there, featured sa topnotchers and alam at alam ko na I will congratulate you when the time comes. Kasama na pala ako ron sa mga ex na tinutukoy mo na panigurado babati at babati sayo hahaha. I will always admire you, your skills, lahat ng kaya mong gawin, at sa kung paano ka magmahal. Im so happy I met you and sobrang mahal na mahal na mahal kita and ginusto ko at gusto ko talaga na ikaw na kasi nakita ko na yung future with you, pero fate did not permit. I will always be one of your supporters and I will always clap with the crowd for you, I love you, Mahal. Till the next partner discount sa Iced Venti 2 pumps chai soy no whip cream less ice pumpkin spice latte mo :))

P.S. Hahaha feel ko talaga magugustuhan mo yung pabango na binili ko para sayo, pero ako na ang gagamit and sana by the time na maubos ko siya, malaya na rin ako with all the pain and moved on na ako and matitira nalang is the happiness that I felt for 6 whole months :)) 

It’s been over a year since I started as a HumSS student. I chose this strand for the basics of Psychology is completely intact within the courses it offers, mainly concerning Humanities and Social Sciences. The strand requires a lot of specific qualities in order for an individual to gain experience to maximize their potentials. Qualities such as critical-thinking, creativity, decisiveness, versatility and more are somehow considered prerequisites in order to squeeze out the integral lessons and experiences most suited for its students. A research, which is a systematic process in order to derive a new knowledge that answers a problem, is very useful tool to be able to achieve these prerequisites. 

There are two types of researches that tackles different approaches. The first type is quantitative research which relies more often to statistical data. “Quantitative research involves the use of computational, statistical, and mathematical tools to derive results.  It is conclusive in its purpose as it tries to quantify the problem and understand how prevalent it is by looking for projectable results to a larger population” (www.sisinternational.com). Another type is qualitative research which involves a smaller group of respondents and has a much closer relationship with its respondents compared to quantitative research.

A much more essential and useful type of research for the HumSS strand is the approach that the qualitative research offers. Deep observations, immersions and scrutinizing experiences are what makes this type of research more suitable for the strand. As for my chosen career, it is a lot of help for it digs much deeper than quantitative research. 

In general, if not all but most of the careers and paths that are under the umbrella of HumSS are much more complimentary towards qualitative research. This is for a deep examination for the collected data is required in order to provide a wider exploration towards the topic. Moreover, it also introduces diverse approaches since it is not only limited to one way in order to provide a specific answer for the problem it tackles. It gives out a wider view since it is not as limiting as quantitative research.